Sometimes it is like 10 radios all tuned to different stations. It is loud. It is confusing. There is no coherency. Your heart starts to race. Your head starts to pound. You start to feel overwhelmed and then overcome. If there were one thing, you could shut it out, shut it down, but there isn’t. They are many. You are just you. You want to drop to your knees, cover your ears, cradle your head and be still. But you can’t. There are generally people. They are watching. Expecting. Waiting. You have to reach deep, pull all those errant pieces pulling in opposite directions together and deal. You tell yourself there will be time to fall apart later.
You make it through your day. No one knows what you went through. No one suspects that a war was waged. No one sees the exhaustion, or if they do, they don’t understand its cause. You’re bone tired. Dead tired. The kind of tired that is a weight around your chest. You lay down in your bed to rest. And that is when it is loudest in my head.