That’s a funny title for a blog post huh? Well, it’s 4:19am and I’ve been up since 3am so you’ll have to cut me some slack. I’ve already reworked a friend’s resume, applied him for a job, and sent him all the necessary log in and information for said job. Normally doing stuff, makes me feel productive, and sleepy enough, to ya know, sleep. Not so this morning.
There’s been a lot of change in my life in the last 8 months. Every night I pray for God to guide me down the right path. Tonight, while overthinking ALL THE THINGS, it occurred to me that this change might be him doing just that. Change is never easy but when you lose friends you have had since you were a kid, that you thought you’d have for a lifetime, it makes it hard to discern who’s being an asshole (probably all of us) and what is in our realm of control, and what God is actively moving out of your life, to make room for whatever is to come.
The way my brain works with anxiety is to overthink the shit out of things. Then, when I’ve exhausted that, or at least shelved it for a moment, I neeeeeeeeeed to talk about it. Unfortunately, when you find yourself pretty much friendless, or the “new normal” you have with them isn’t deep enough to confide in them the way you used to, your poor husband gets the brunt of that talking. My normal method is to vomit out exactly what I’m thinking and feeling, then circle it from every possible angle going from feeling mad and indignant to terrible and profoundly sad. I can find a way to blame myself for damn near anything.
In the last 8 months though, I’ve done a full stop on putting up with other people’s bullshit. I drew a line in the sand and said if you don’t make me a priority in your life, you are no longer going to be a priority in mine. I’m a hard person to love. I love big. HUGE. It’s too much for some people because it can be overbearing and they feel pressure and expectations to reciprocate in return. I have never expected tit for tat just you know I’m there for you and you’re there for me normal stuff. This last year, if you couldn’t commit to that, I axed you from my life. If me and my feelings were always the last you thought of, if you were disrespectful and hurtful, if I found myself feeling more bad then good, you was gone. Girl, bye. Sounds easy. In writing. In reality, you might as well take your heart out and tenderize it with Williams-Sonoma’s best, most expensive meat tenderizer.
So, right now, I’m feeling a little down and a little lonely for true friends. Not friends that are only there when they need you and MIA when you need them. To deal with all those feels, I’m killing them with words.